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arias_hollow) wrote2021-12-30 02:11 pm
arias_hollow) wrote2021-12-30 02:11 pm
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Carnival of Aros: Romance Coding and Romance Repulsion
This month's carnival is hosted by aro-but-not-ace on the subject 'Attitudes Towards Romance', which is certainly a subject I have given a lot of thought over the years! There are a few of the prompts I wanted to address in some manner or another, and some I'm sure will end up overlapping, so here we go.
A decent place to start seems to be, 'what do you consider romance-coded?'. This is an interesting question to consider, because I think the answer can fluctuate depending on context. I can't base the answer on 'what would I only do towards a romantic partner', since I have no interest in such a thing fundamentally and can't imagine it for lack of experience. So instead, I am approaching this question from the angle of, 'what actions would I interpret as romantic from someone else or in media, in part based on what would set off my romance repulsion' since that is often a deciding factor when it comes to more ambiguous things.
When it comes to real life, what actions I see as romantic depend largely on the relationship I already have with a person. For example, I know what actions are typically considered romantic - flowers, dinners, gifts, showing extra interest in spending time together. And if anyone I wasn't really close to and who wasn't aware of and accepting of my aromanticism initiated or offered to initiate anything like that, I would definitely assume they meant it romantically and feel very uncomfortable. With proper friends and close friends, I'd be increasingly less likely to think they had Romantic Expectations or Hopes for me, and would not consider going out to movies/dinners romantic or even gifts of flowers if I was really comfortable with the person (red roses would be awkward because of the connotations, same with red hearts, but other flowers and heart colors would make me feel like they put in the effort to remember my comfort zones and aro-ness and take the explicitly no-romo route, which always makes me happy xD).
A lot of other typically romantic-coded things are just...things I'm uncomfortable with, in general, like kissing and intimate cuddling. I wouldn't think it wrong for people to do/enjoy these things platonically, but it's true thanks to society if I see or hear about people doing that, I will assume they're at least probably together romantically, statistically speaking, unless I know the people involved enough (which, mostly I don't need/want those kinds of details from people I know well lol and I can't expect they'd offer it, but just hypothetically speaking).
When it comes to media, it's a bit tricky because often times any kind of meaningful interactions between characters is only there to build up to a romance, and certainly any kind of meaningful interaction is referred to as 'romance coding' or 'ship evidence' with the kind of attitude that implies (or even directly states) that there isn't any other 'correct' way to interpret it. So often when I'm watching or reading things, I will be wary of bonding scenes as potentially a Set Up.
That said, other times my aro lens are so firmly on that I completely fail to pick up a single romantic vibe no matter how much effort into coding the writers were putting (Bow and Glimmer in She-Ra? Completely platonic as far as I'm concerned. I also really never thought to ship Kurogane and Fai in Tsubasa at all until I saw others doing it, and the excess shipping kind of made me like them slightly less, even though I was obsessed with them and they were my faves. Good Omens I definitely didn't read as romantic either, since I thought what Aziraphale and Crowley had seemed potentially rather ideal, and I never feel that way about things that feel romantic to me; so the fandom insistence that it's homophobic to not see them as romantic obviously really ticks me off, also because it's just stupidly wrong in general). And just about any level of close friendship would read as purely that to me, probably only a kiss would make me realize/accept that's not what the writers wanted (and if that happened I'd probably be very put out or annoyed lol).
One thing that I definitely consider romance-coded though is...high passion levels with little substance? Like, if the characters haven't bonded in a normal friend way much but have Super Strong Feelings for each other, it kind of just feels like Romantic Attraction Shorthand Writing, and I don't enjoy it at all. It definitely can set off the romance repulsion. The more performative or transactional qualities of romance also tend to be more repulsive to me and make it feel like just a romance instead of a more meaningful friendship, so any writing that includes that I would definitely consider romance-coded for myself.
Another idea the prompts mentioned that I wanted to talk a little bit about was on how one's attitude towards romance (in this case, aversion+repulsion) specifically interacts with amatonormativity. Certainly, being averse to romance means the weight of amatonormativity is all the more obvious - partnering up is considered a milestone of adulthood, a thing to be celebrated and pursued above even other life things at times. But it's a cultural milestone I can't engage in at all. And logistically, since I'm also non-partnering, that does offer other concerns beyond just feelings of alienation. Most people consider their future partner to be the person they want to 'settle down' with - and rent prices definitely aren't suited to single people unless you're outright wealthy. So if I want to move out from my parent's home ever, my options are 'live with a sibling and possibly their partner should they end up with a long term one' and 'rotate platonic roommates every so often', which is stressful and requires I have or make a lot more acquaintances than I want to.
There's also the simple fact that romance is everywhere. In stories, fandom, as a frequent topic of small talk, it even influences laws and academics in a more subtle way. So it's very hard to really avoid feeling repulsed, awkward, annoyed, or disconnected from many activities and society at large. And being repulsed by people having romantic feelings for me - or reading my actions as romantic - adds an underlying layer of anxiety to pretty much all social interactions.
Finally, the prompts asked about how your attitude towards romance impacts your interactions in the aromantic community itself. In the circles I'm in, romance aversion to varying degrees seems to be the majority? Being non-partnering is more so what can make me feel like a minority within the community. People are generally pretty considerate about romance repulsion, and while there's the occasional post that minimizes or poorly frames romance repulsion or non-partnering in the process of lifting up romance favorable and partnering aros, it's not overwhelming. If anything, I feel I need to make the conscious effort to make sure to be more inclusive and considerate towards romance favorable aros, because even if my repulsion means I don't always want to hear about any flavor of romance, they're still fellow aros who get even less recognition than the rest of us. Being non-partnering though does often feel like it gets ignored or sidelined, and I would like to see changes in that regard.
A decent place to start seems to be, 'what do you consider romance-coded?'. This is an interesting question to consider, because I think the answer can fluctuate depending on context. I can't base the answer on 'what would I only do towards a romantic partner', since I have no interest in such a thing fundamentally and can't imagine it for lack of experience. So instead, I am approaching this question from the angle of, 'what actions would I interpret as romantic from someone else or in media, in part based on what would set off my romance repulsion' since that is often a deciding factor when it comes to more ambiguous things.
When it comes to real life, what actions I see as romantic depend largely on the relationship I already have with a person. For example, I know what actions are typically considered romantic - flowers, dinners, gifts, showing extra interest in spending time together. And if anyone I wasn't really close to and who wasn't aware of and accepting of my aromanticism initiated or offered to initiate anything like that, I would definitely assume they meant it romantically and feel very uncomfortable. With proper friends and close friends, I'd be increasingly less likely to think they had Romantic Expectations or Hopes for me, and would not consider going out to movies/dinners romantic or even gifts of flowers if I was really comfortable with the person (red roses would be awkward because of the connotations, same with red hearts, but other flowers and heart colors would make me feel like they put in the effort to remember my comfort zones and aro-ness and take the explicitly no-romo route, which always makes me happy xD).
A lot of other typically romantic-coded things are just...things I'm uncomfortable with, in general, like kissing and intimate cuddling. I wouldn't think it wrong for people to do/enjoy these things platonically, but it's true thanks to society if I see or hear about people doing that, I will assume they're at least probably together romantically, statistically speaking, unless I know the people involved enough (which, mostly I don't need/want those kinds of details from people I know well lol and I can't expect they'd offer it, but just hypothetically speaking).
When it comes to media, it's a bit tricky because often times any kind of meaningful interactions between characters is only there to build up to a romance, and certainly any kind of meaningful interaction is referred to as 'romance coding' or 'ship evidence' with the kind of attitude that implies (or even directly states) that there isn't any other 'correct' way to interpret it. So often when I'm watching or reading things, I will be wary of bonding scenes as potentially a Set Up.
That said, other times my aro lens are so firmly on that I completely fail to pick up a single romantic vibe no matter how much effort into coding the writers were putting (Bow and Glimmer in She-Ra? Completely platonic as far as I'm concerned. I also really never thought to ship Kurogane and Fai in Tsubasa at all until I saw others doing it, and the excess shipping kind of made me like them slightly less, even though I was obsessed with them and they were my faves. Good Omens I definitely didn't read as romantic either, since I thought what Aziraphale and Crowley had seemed potentially rather ideal, and I never feel that way about things that feel romantic to me; so the fandom insistence that it's homophobic to not see them as romantic obviously really ticks me off, also because it's just stupidly wrong in general). And just about any level of close friendship would read as purely that to me, probably only a kiss would make me realize/accept that's not what the writers wanted (and if that happened I'd probably be very put out or annoyed lol).
One thing that I definitely consider romance-coded though is...high passion levels with little substance? Like, if the characters haven't bonded in a normal friend way much but have Super Strong Feelings for each other, it kind of just feels like Romantic Attraction Shorthand Writing, and I don't enjoy it at all. It definitely can set off the romance repulsion. The more performative or transactional qualities of romance also tend to be more repulsive to me and make it feel like just a romance instead of a more meaningful friendship, so any writing that includes that I would definitely consider romance-coded for myself.
Another idea the prompts mentioned that I wanted to talk a little bit about was on how one's attitude towards romance (in this case, aversion+repulsion) specifically interacts with amatonormativity. Certainly, being averse to romance means the weight of amatonormativity is all the more obvious - partnering up is considered a milestone of adulthood, a thing to be celebrated and pursued above even other life things at times. But it's a cultural milestone I can't engage in at all. And logistically, since I'm also non-partnering, that does offer other concerns beyond just feelings of alienation. Most people consider their future partner to be the person they want to 'settle down' with - and rent prices definitely aren't suited to single people unless you're outright wealthy. So if I want to move out from my parent's home ever, my options are 'live with a sibling and possibly their partner should they end up with a long term one' and 'rotate platonic roommates every so often', which is stressful and requires I have or make a lot more acquaintances than I want to.
There's also the simple fact that romance is everywhere. In stories, fandom, as a frequent topic of small talk, it even influences laws and academics in a more subtle way. So it's very hard to really avoid feeling repulsed, awkward, annoyed, or disconnected from many activities and society at large. And being repulsed by people having romantic feelings for me - or reading my actions as romantic - adds an underlying layer of anxiety to pretty much all social interactions.
Finally, the prompts asked about how your attitude towards romance impacts your interactions in the aromantic community itself. In the circles I'm in, romance aversion to varying degrees seems to be the majority? Being non-partnering is more so what can make me feel like a minority within the community. People are generally pretty considerate about romance repulsion, and while there's the occasional post that minimizes or poorly frames romance repulsion or non-partnering in the process of lifting up romance favorable and partnering aros, it's not overwhelming. If anything, I feel I need to make the conscious effort to make sure to be more inclusive and considerate towards romance favorable aros, because even if my repulsion means I don't always want to hear about any flavor of romance, they're still fellow aros who get even less recognition than the rest of us. Being non-partnering though does often feel like it gets ignored or sidelined, and I would like to see changes in that regard.
no subject
Yes, living as a single is a desperate financial challenge. Even travelling as a single has been a challenge. Though I am non-partnering I am lucky or unlucky enough to know with certainty that I can't live alone. So future of rotating flatmates here I come...
It is interesting that you assume romantic intentions from people you don't know well. For me it is those offers from acquaintances that I assume to be friendship-building when it turns out they were flirting or asking me out.